


fix you (lights will guide you home)

by nighting_gale17



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Mentions of Cancer, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23122984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nighting_gale17/pseuds/nighting_gale17
Summary: TK doesn't remember how he got to the Ryder house in the middle of a storm.The last thing he remembers is the huge fight he had with his dad.And why does he have a pill bottle in his hand?
Relationships: Grace Ryder/Judd Ryder (9-1-1 Lone Star)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 336





	fix you (lights will guide you home)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeehaw ladies and gentlemen and all variations thereof; my first lonestar fic. is anyone surprised it's tk oriented and angsty? not i!!! not *super* happy with the entire thing but my brain got stuck so i said f-it and i'm posting it anyway.
> 
> please let me know what yall thought in the comments!!!! i love hearing your thoughts!!!
> 
> and follow me on tumblr @nighting-gale17

_This was stupid._ TK thought to himself, fingers drumming anxiously along the hem of his pants. He stood on the front porch of the Ryder house, unable to clearly recall how he had gotten here. It didn’t matter—he should probably go. He was sure that Judd and Grace had better things to do than deal with him this late in the evening.

And yet— _and yet_ —he still found his shaky hand raising from his side to knock on their door. He felt a rush of panic through his veins when he realized what he had done, fingers clenching into fists to try and calm himself.

That was when he noticed the pill bottle clutched tightly in his hand.

He looked down at it, barely aware of the soft voice from inside the house answering the knock, too caught up in his rising confusion and dread. The hand holding the pill bottle started to shake slightly, the pills rattling inside the orange container and TK was _terrified_ because he couldn’t remember _why_ he was holding them or how he got here and he didn’t feel any different than he normally did so he’s not sure he fucked up his sobriety but—

“TK?”

TK’s head jerked up and he was sure he looked like a deer caught in headlights standing in front of Grace, Judd’s wife. Her eyes were full of concern and confusion as she looked at him, probably like him wondering what he was doing there. She was wearing a soft pink robe, her hair already tightly wrapped and—shit, he’d woken them up. How late was it?

“Hon, what’s wrong?” Grace asked him softly, a motherly type of concern that made a lump of emotion form in his throat. When he didn’t answer, Grace reached out and gently motioned for him to come inside. “Come inside, you’ll catch your death standing there soaking wet like that.”

TK hesitated for a moment before stepping inside the house, shivering slightly as his brain started to register that yes, he was soaking wet, and very cold, because it was storming outside.

How did he get here?

“I’m sorry,” TK managed to get out eventually, his voice hoarse and trying not to sound as pathetic as he felt. “I-I didn’t know where else to go.” _I don’t know how I got here._

“Grace? Who was it?” Judd’s tired voice echoed through the hallway as he walked heavily through the house, a yawn spreading across his face as he neared. He was also barefoot and wearing an old shirt and shorts, meaning TK woke him up too. He blinked couple times, body becoming more alert as he looked at them. “TK?”

“Judd, go get him a towel and some dry clothes,” Grace said, shooing her husband off before he could start throwing out any questions, which TK was eternally grateful for. “I’m gonna make you some hot cocoa. Just wait right there, honey.”

While he waited, TK shoved the pill bottle into the pocket of his jacket, hunching in on himself slightly and trying to ignore the panic and dread still trying to take over his head. He doesn’t remember how he got here. He doesn’t remember why he came here. He doesn’t remember… TK shook his head, tears burning behind his eyes. The only thing he can remember is the huge, awful fight he had with his father early that night before dinner.

_“You need to be resting, in a hospital, trying to get better, Dad!”_

_“I’m not going to waste away the rest of my life in some damned bed, TK! I’m fine!”_

_“I can’t lose you!”_

“Hey, kid,” Judd’s voice brought him out of his head and he was startled to see him standing so close in front of him, a towel and dry clothes in one hand with a look of worry on his face. “Come here,” he murmured gently, placing a firm hand on TK’s shoulder and leading him down the hall. “Bathroom’s here.” he nodded to the open door on his right and handed TK the towel and clothes. “Better hurry before Grace’s cocoa gets cold—it’s much better piping hot, trust me.”

TK searched Judd’s face but he found no ridicule, no pity. Only a faint worry and concern that made TK feel better than any cocoa could. “Thank you.” he murmured, looking down at the ground, hesitating for a moment before he dug the pill bottle out of his pocket with a shaky hand. “Please.” he practically begged, shoving the pill bottle at Judd’s chest, trying and failing to ignore the shame that swept across his cheeks as hot as the sun. “I-I don’t—” His throat choked at the words, tears starting to drip down his face. How could Judd understand? That he didn’t remember how he got the pill bottle. Doesn’t even remember whose they are. He doesn’t remember if he took any. Doesn’t _trust_ himself not to down the entire thing while in his bathroom just to escape from all the _noise_ —

“Kid, hey, deep breaths, okay?” Judd’s voice cut through the noise in his own head, a large hand on his neck helping ground him.

TK’s breath hitched as he tried to do what he said, the tightness in his chest loosening as Judd slowly helped him calm down until he felt like he could breathe again. He suddenly let go of Judd’s shirt, unaware that he had it clutched tightly in his fist and felt a wave of relief when he noticed the pill bottle was nowhere to be seen. “Sorry.” he murmured, wiping at his eyes with his arm.

Judd was quiet for a moment and TK was too scared to look up and see what he was thinking. “Get changed, kid, I wasn’t kidding about the cocoa being better when it's hot,” he said lightly, giving TK the out he needed.

TK quickly ducked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and letting out a deep, shaky breath. He mechanically got out of his wet clothes, dried himself off with the towel before putting on the sweatpants and warm sweatshirt Judd had given him. They were a little big on him—the man was a giant—but they were warm and soft and obviously old.

He finally chanced a glance up at himself in the mirror and cringed a little bit. His eyes were red-rimmed from crying and his hair was an absolute mess from being hastily towel-dried. He shoved his trembling hands into the pocket of the sweatshirt and hesitantly padded outside of the bathroom and into the living area where Judd and Grace were waiting.

xxx

Judd frowned heavily as he walked back into the kitchen where Grace was finishing up making a batch of her famous hot cocoa on the stove. He held the pill bottle in his hand—it was some kind of medication, with Owen’s name and information across the label. But what was TK doing with it?

“Judd, how’s he doing?” Grace asked, momentarily looking up at him, her eyes questioning and concerned.

“Damn near had a panic attack in the hallway.” Judd sighed, showing her the bottle of pills. “Shoved these at me—I don’t know what’s up with him.”

“Well, that boy obviously came here for a reason,” his wife raised an eyebrow at him. “Said he didn’t know where else to go.”

“Yeah, I mean, I told him a while back if he needed anything our door was always open.” Judd’s frown deepened as he looked at Grace. “You don’t think this has something to do with Owen’s cancer, do you?”

Grace shrugged as she turned off the stove and carefully poured some of the steaming cocoa into a mug for TK. “Maybe. Or maybe not. I mean, how well do you really know the kid? Other than he came from New York and his dad is the fire captain and has cancer.”

Judd huffed at that and shook his head, gaze wandering in the direction of their bathroom with an ache of sadness in his heart. “Nothing important. I don’t know he just—he just won’t open up to us. We’ve tried. Poked and prodded but his lips are sealed.” His frown deepened as he thought back to the first couple weeks of TK and Owen’s arrival. “I remember seein’ him lookin’ a little beat up one day but we weren’t close then.”

Their conversation was ended when they heard the soft click of the bathroom door shutting and quiet shuffling of barefoot across the floor. TK appeared in the hallway, standing uncertainly in the doorway. His hair was a crow's nest from towel drying it, Judd’s extra clothes hanging off his frame thanks to their height difference and making TK look like a kid trying to play dress up in his older brother’s clothes like Judd did when he was younger.

He looked up at them, eyes red-rimmed and there was something scared and vulnerable in his eyes. Judd had never seen TK look like this before. A part of him wanted to go beat up whoever made TK feel like this and the other part of him wanted to wrap him in a giant blanket until he felt better.

He wasn’t sure which side was winning yet.

“Here, TK, let’s go sit in here. It’s more comfortable.” Grace offered, walking carefully over to TK like she might a scared animal.

TK seemed to take a minute to register her words, slowly nodding and allowing her to guide him toward the couch. Judd followed closely, the worry in his heart growing when he saw TK’s hands shaking so badly he couldn’t even hold Grace’s cocoa mug at the moment.

Judd sat down close to him, wrapping his arm around TK’s shoulders as comfortingly as he could. “Whatever it is you need to say, you can say it now. To us. Door’s always open, brother.”

xxx

“Dad’s getting worse.” TK’s breath hitched, unable to stop the tears from dripping down his cheeks after a few moments of silence. “H-He’s got stage two, now.”

“Damn, kid,” Judd’s arm tightened around his shoulder and TK felt Grace’s hand run gently through his hair went he bent forward, elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

“We got into this fight. He’s being so stupid.” TK had to bite back a sob at the memory. “He refuses to get admitted and do regular chemo. Even though the damned immunotherapy stuff isn’t working, he’s being so stubborn and I—I can’t lose him. He’s all I have left.”

The pain he felt in his heart when he thought about a world without his dad in it—a world that seemed to be getting closer and closer to becoming a terrifying reality—it made him want to swallow pill after pill after pill until he never woke up again. Let all the noise fade into blissful silence, an ocean of emptiness he could float up too and never have to come back down. And that—that almost scared him even more.

“You’re not alone, TK,” Judd said, his voice surprisingly gentle. “No matter what happens. And Cap’ll get through this. You both will.”

“No, you don’t get it!” TK snapped, frustration exploding over top of everything else. He wanted to pull his hair out. “I can’t—” he cut himself off as a lump of emotion sealed his throat and he shook his head. He took a large, wet breath, before he whispered, “I can’t stay sober without him. I’m not strong enough.”

“Hon, what do you mean?” Grace asked, her voice soft as her hand gently brushed away the tears on his cheek.

TK was silent for a moment, chewing roughly on his bottom lip. He hadn’t planned on telling them—telling anyone, really, he already hated the fact that Carlos knew. Knew how fucked up he was and how much of a disappointment he was to dad because he couldn’t fucking control himself.

But… Judd had promised. Promised an open door, open arms, open ears without any judgment.

Maybe for the first time since he arrived in Austin, it was time he started to put a little trust in the team that’d shared so much of themselves with him.

“I’m an addict,” he admitted quietly, his voice barely audible over the rushing sound in his ears. “I was clean. I-I was doing good but then I relapsed before we moved to Texas and I just—” He sniffed, feeling the familiar heat of shame in his cheeks and chest. “The breakup, the move, and dad’s cancer, and he’s just getting worse and I feel so _helpless_ because I can’t do shit. All I can do is watch as he gets worse and worse every day, throwing up almost every night from the chemo.”

There’s a heavy silence as TK’s voice trails off into a whisper, ashamed for even thinking the thought. “He’s the only thing keeping me sober. B-But if he’s _gone_ —” his breath caught in his throat as hot, fat tears started dripping down his face.

“TK, he’s not gone. Okay? Your dad ain't goin’ anywhere.” Judd said firmly, no room for argument in his tone.

“But you don’t know that.” TK pointed out, voice wobbling uncertainly.

“We don’t,” Grace acknowledged, brushing her hand across TK’s hair soothingly. “But even I know Captain Strand is a fighter, TK.”

“That’s right. He ain’t gonna go down without a fight.” Judd agreed.

TK chewed on his bottom lip, tangling and untangling his fingers together as he struggled for the words he wanted to say. “W-When I found out about Dad’s cancer I…” he hesitated, his cheeks burning with shame once more. “I wanted to—it was hard, for the first few days,” he admitted. “But now, he’s getting worse and there’s _nothing_ I can do. Sometimes I just wanted it to go away. Just for a few minutes. I just want to forget and feel better.” TK admitted softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“You’re only human, brother,” Judd murmured, not unkindly. “And you haven’t.” he also pointed out, pausing until he got TK’s slow nod of confirmation before he continued. “It’s okay to ask for help, sometimes.”

“Help?” TK asked brokenly, finally looking up and meeting Judd and Grace’s eyes with new tears starting to form in his own.

When he falls apart in their arms, in their home, he doesn’t feel ashamed anymore.

TK knows they’ll be there to catch him.


End file.
